The Challenge of Families

What is a family? Yesterday Benno and I had a family over to visit, and the occasion caused me to pause a bit and think. Here is a quick description of this family.

Our friend, Ntate Kuena, lives out in the village about three hours drive from Maseru because he is a farmer and that is where he is attempting to make some sort of living for the family.

With him, currently, live his two small daughters and a young niece who is orphaned (the youngest sister of Ntate's wife). When Ntate K is working, the children are cared for by his father who is retired. The grandfather also cares for two small sons of Ntate K's sister who is teaching in another village many hours away...

Ntate K's wife, 'M'e Malibuseng, lives here in Maseru in a very small house. She is going to school to upgrade her marks so that she can apply to the nursing program at the local university. In addition, she has been working at the infamous orphanage about which I have written on several occasions.

Yesterday when they came to visit it was Ntate Kuena, 'M'e Malibuseng, their youngest daughter and a younger sister of 'M'e's, who is eight months pregnant. She has been living in their home village with an aunt—a different village from Ntate K’s, but again about three hours away from Maseru. Now the family is trying to decide where she can live, who will care for her baby when it is born, and how they can support her to finish her Junior Certificate (high school). Ntate K’s concern is clear as he tells me this.

Such complicated family lives are so common here in Lesotho. Families take on huge, huge responsibilities for each other; really, they have very little choice. Without family networks here the social fabric of this country would not just be threadbare, as it currently is, but it would be totally decimated.

This is an unusual visit in that ‘M’e has excused herself as soon as she arrives. A friend of hers has met her along the way to our house. This friend is in crisis. She is a single parent of two small children. Unlike Ntate K’s family, however, this young woman’s family rejected her when she first became pregnant and they provide her no support. Her second child is the result of a rape and she is struggling with emotional detachment. Just finding resources and getting by is difficult enough; on top of that she carries the burden of a huge resentment towards this child so she tries to leave the baby at the orphanage. There she is given the threat that she will be reported to the police. She is stuck in a horrible situation; and, of course, just imagine what life is like for this poor baby who has done nothing to deserve this rejection.

‘M’e finally shows up quite a few hours later and I warm up lunch for her. She’s had quite the day. She has more than enough dealing with the needs of her own family, but she takes time to provide counsel to a friend in need.

Typical situations here. Another one is our young friend next door, Bokang. Her aunt and uncle next door were finding it a real burden to support her, so she had moved to live with another uncle and aunt. There she was welcomed by these two warm and caring people. Unfortunately, that uncle became unemployed. They already care for Bokang’s ten-year-old bother along with their own children (all of whom live in a tiny bedroom-sized house). After a big family meeting on Friday, Bokang was informed that she would have to move back to live with her uncle and aunt that live next door to us. She is sad about this—it cannot be easy living with people who really don’t want you, and it cannot be easy leaving such warm and cheery people as her other uncle and aunt, but she has no choice in the matter. Bokang sends Benno a text message explaining and asking if we can help her move her things. She expresses her frustration in the situation and resolves to get her education so that she can have some control over her life, and that of her son’s.

Then, I think of a colleague of mine whose brother died leaving two teenage daughters in her care. She's about my age. Her children are grown, like mine, and now she has two more daughters to care for and to support financially. My colleague and her husband had started to make plans toward retirement; now those plans have had to change. Again, a very common scenario here.

There is a term in Lesotho: orphan fatigue. This is where families are so burdened and overburdened due to the large number of orphans that they cannot physically, emotionally or financially handle any more. Unfortunately, this can lead to neglect or abandonment. It certainly does lead to many children and young people living in situations where they feel no love and know that they are a burden on those who are providing support. Such is the case for one of my students who is an orphan...

But, truly, I could go on and on. There are an endless number of examples of families living under duress. Families have so many challenges here in Lesotho.