Amy Carmichael had left home, family, friends, had eschewed marriage, all to serve God by caring for orphans and others. Her efforts had led to the building of residences, schools, and medical facilities that served children and other poor and needy persons in southern India. She had given her all for Christ. So why would God cause her to suffer. I was angry with God when I read this part of Ms Carmichael's story. I still feel vestiges of anger even now, weeks later. Some people make their life a hell by the choices they make, but this was God, making life hellish for one who had served him faithfully. This does not fit my image of a loving and compassionate diety? Nor does it fit my perspective of "life to the full".
As I shared my frustration with this story with others, they would considerately point out that as Christians we are called to participate in Christ's suffering. Yet, if I understand the biblical story correctly, Jesus experienced incredible physical suffering, yet this suffering lasted less than 24 hours. Then if was over. He died. I accept that he set aside his godhood to become man. Is that what is meant by Christ's suffering? Amy Carmichael suffered pain that deprived her of sleep most every night for twenty years. Another woman of faith who endured the horrors of a Nazi prison camp and tramped the world over proclaiming God's goodness, spend her final years, (not days) imprisoned in her own body, near the end not even able to open her eyes.2 God's reward for a life of service? Or Florence Nightingale, another woman who left wealth and privilege and title to serve her Lord, but in her last years was a discouraged and exhausted, frustrated and sometimes irritable old woman in chronic poor health.3,4 If such suffering is one's reward in this life for serving God wholeheartedly, why would I want too.
Others have offered that suffering in this life will leads us to appreciate the promise of heaven more. But for me that reduces Christianity to "pie in the sky" bye and bye. What kind of religion is that? An insurance policy? A fiction that helps me to endure the rigours and pains of this life, without which I would fall into dispair? This certainly is not the kind of religion that appeals to me.
I pick up a book, Inspiring Women of Faith, and in reading it I find myself questioning my own faith and the God I purport to believe in. So where does this leave me? The incredible irony is that it takes me back to Biology 101. Biology 101, as I have written before, introduced me to the wondrous and incredible complexity of the single cell. Even the complexity of a single protein molecule in any one, wondrous, cell defies any possibility of having spontaneously arisen from a primodial soup that may have existed sometime in our earth's history.
Then there is consciousness. If I believe the evolutionist then I essentially came from a rock (as one of my Red Deer life group guys used to say), or from dust and gases swirling about the universe. Is it possible for consciousness, - memories of a past, a sense of the present, aspirations for a future - to arise from dust and gases? I am not convinced. Finally, there is the presence of evil in this world. Evil that is pervasive and destructive. The evil of man's inhumanity to man surpasses anything even remotely observed in the natural world. Evil is incarnate, not a random mutation. So where does that leave me? I find myself between a rock and an inscrutable God.
If a rock is my father, than life is essentially devoid of meaning or purpose. Why bother trying to made a difference? Why bother trying to enhance the situation of another? Life becomes simply a quest to eat, drink, and be merry - "He who dies with the most toys wins." But what does he win? Soloman had this somber thought to offer:
Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless.5
If a rock in my father, then what does it matter that species are preserved? The same fate awaits them and us when the sun finally consumes our world. And what does it matter that I care about another? So what if death comes earlier to them than for some other? Maybe they are just spared more days of despair and meaninglessness. Death awaits us all ..., if a rock is my father.
However, if there is a God who is my father... ? If there is a God who is my father then what awaits is a whole new set of challenges. If the prospect of a protein molecule spontaneously forming is incomprehensible, what about a God that pre-existed the universe, who has existed from everlasting? This may be the biggest challenge. Ironically it is again science that hints at the existence of something or someone greater than our known physical universe, someone or something lurking at the door. The exerpts below are all from a National Geographic website. (If you want to check out any article, click on the first few words of each exerpt.)
"Dark flow" is no fluke, suggests a new study that strengthens the case for unknow, unseen "structures" lurking on the outskirts of creation.
New Theory: Universe Created by Intelligent Being (Headline)
Recently gathered data from exploding, dying stars called supernovae have revealed that the universe is not only expanding, as predicted, but that its rate of expansion is accelerating. The only force that could explain such cosmic acceleration is a source of energy, not visible or yet identified by scientists, that permeates the entire universe. Physicists have dubbed the mysterious force "dark energy."
The first stars and galaxies formed only because there is dark matter, which is credited for providing the blueprint for the growth and structure of the universe as we know it today.
"I often point out that we would not exist if it were not for dark matter," said Paul Steinhardt, a physicist at Princeton University in New Jersey and co-author of the article on dark matter.
Dark matter is estimated to account for 26 percent of the universe and it si much more abundant than ordinary matter,which makes up just 4 percent of the universe. (The remaining 70% of the universe is considered 'dark energy'.)
"Since there is more dark matter than ordinary matter, dark matter dominates the process," said Steinhardt. "The ordinary matter is like froth moving about on an ocean of dark matter."
Maybe Isaiah was not so far off when he wrote,
Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.6The writer of Hebrews added,
By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.7
Paul, referring to Christ, wrote
For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.8
Maybe believing in a God is not that far fetched. And believing in the existance of God as my father does account for the kindnesses of man to man that do happen every day in this world. Despite the power and presense of evil, good also exists. Beauty exists. Love exists. Despite my doubts and questions I want to believe that life is more that a fight to pass on my genetic code. Nonetheless, I continue to struggle accepting the actions of a sometimes seemingly capricious God. I argue with God. Persecution and suffering at the hands of non believers I can understand, but years of suffering inflicted by God and not man, that I cannot see as love. Like Job, I seek answers, and like Job I suppose I will end of up crying out,
"I am nothing - how could I ever find the answer.
I will cover my mouth with my hand.
I have said to much already.
I have nothing more to say."9
The last word (almost) I will leave to Isaiah,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."10
Despite Isaiah's words, I confess I am fearful of repeating Amy Carmichael's prayer.
~ Benno ~
1 Sam Wellman, Inspiring Women of the Faith (Barbour Publishing, Inc. Ohio,2008) 265 & 282.
2 Ibid., 382-384
3 Ibid.,
4 http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8674265.stm
5 Ecclesiastes 3:19
6 Isaiah 40:15
7 Hebrews 11:3
8 Colossians 1:16,17
9 Job 40:4,5
10 Isaiah 55:8,9
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