Torn (Cognitive Dissonance)

Storm at sea
torn with so many uncertainties
ravaged by confusing loyalties
battling to find some solid ground
between action and reaction
between compassion and creation of dependency
between help and hindrance
between rationalization and reality

I'm in a raging sea
and as the rain pours
this cognitive dissonance
feels like it could be drowning me


There's a struggle that happens, probably in some ways for many people who work in situations like we do. There's that dissonance caused by the gulf between 'my life' and the lives of those we seek to help and all the questions that that disparity raises when the divide confronts one daily. Here Jesus' words, "The poor you will always have with you" really fit. There will be no end to the situations where we can be involved in people's lives here, and that is rewarding, but very challenging. The dilemma is, to do the 'right' thing or just to do and not worry about it so much. I'm really stuck with the idea that I don't want to create dependency or something not sustainable, yet often times this may be an obstacle to just doing...

For instance, just tonight we had a call from one of the Mustard Seed (Benno's organization) girls. It is pouring rain out and the house that she and her three siblings are living in is not fit for habitation in the best weather--certainly not in the rain. They were 'farmed out' to various families in the village but those families were getting exhausted and sent them back home as soon as the weather improved a bit...but then it's started raining again.

This gal is only 17, and she's just a toughy--but then she really doesn't have a choice, does she? And she is just sweet. Whenever we have done any small thing to help, her response is always, "God bless you".

So tonight she phones in desperation because they simply cannot stay in this mud puddle called a house. What do we do? Do we invite them to stay with us? How does that make sense? We are far away from their schools? How long would it be for? How does this fit with the 'not creating dependency/creating something sustainable' scenario? Am I crazy to even ask that? Shouldn't I just DO IT? Am I just rationalizing to maintain my own little comfort zone? Do I have a right to a comfort zone? What GIVES me the right to a comfort zone? Dear God, it is all so confusing...

But if I just reacted every time someone was in desperate need here--even just our friends and people we are trying to help, well I'd have had every one of them living with us! Yet I feel so guilty. We have so much compared to what most of these particular people have. How can we NOT invite them? I mean, it's not that I'm being selfish or heartless, I don't think... We DO already have a person living with us, helping her out... But, again, am I just rationalizing to maintain my comfort zone?

It's a HUGE dilemma and we really need wisdom in this... Part of me just wants to go and take this family of orphans and wrap them in my arms and give them warm clothing and blankets and food and love and a home ... and part of me just wants to run away, overwhelmed with the responsibilities that all of that would entail--in the long run. Did I already say, it's a huge dilemma...I REALLY NEED WISDOM IN THIS.

Anyway, what Benno did was to phone another family that we are helping, that live close by her place and he asked them if they could help out by taking the family in for a couple of days until a better solution is reached. Craziness in its own way. This family already has six people in it and another toddler they are caring for, and they are very poor--another orphan family--and their resources are limited and their home is small. This will be adding at least three more people to their situation, for a couple of days... If they can do it, why can't we?

Then there's me--just me, not Benno--torn again between this world and the world I face each day at school. Sure, I have some students who have very difficult circumstances, but not many and none as severe. They at least have hope of getting a good education and making a difference for their families. But MOST of my students are from the wealthy families of the country, and each day I see them--just like in North America--consume. Have. Not need. Not even really understand the needs right around them in their own communities. Somehow this just makes it even more crazy. Somehow it's easier to deal with the disparity when it is 'a world apart issue' but when the severe poverty and need is juxtaposed with the affluence we and most of my students enjoy it just makes it crazier.

It's like here, seeing someone wheeling a wheelbarrow to transport goods, or carrying a huge pail of water on the head and seeing a BMW drive alongside on the road...

...or driving along Pioneer Road here and seeing on one side of the road the big new American- type mall and directly across the street seeing the shabby market stalls. I really DO need to get a picture of this. The disparity is quite astonishing!